Dating Someone Super Fucking Old

young-woman-old-man

Stay in school ladies… because this is what happens if you drop out….

The picture seems like more of a warning sign than a depiction of love and romance.. but then again, who are we to judge?

Just kidding ! We can tooootally judge.

I can especially because I am currently dating an old guy. Like an almost-twice-my-age old guy. I’m 27, he’s 52. And yea, he’s kinda rich. Does that make me a gold digger?

Honestly, the worst part is I actually didn’t even KNOW he was rich until we started dating… and when I tell people most of them (girls) are like “Aww well, at least you did it for true love then“… and I reply “yaaaaa” but secretly I’m like….  WTF was I thinking? I mean I was gunna go on a date with this old dude and be OKAY if he wasn’t rich? WTF? am I on crack? Why the fuck would I date someone super fucking old who isn’t rich? I have no idea. But I was going to. What an idiot.

Anyway, it didn’t take me long to figure it out. He picked me up in a porsche (the first sign). He described his job. Although to this day, a year later, I have no idea what it is… but I know he’s important.. or something… He’s the Chief of something (the second sign)… So, ladies make sure your man is the chief of something… even if it’s just like the chief of eating pussy. Just make sure it’s legit. U deserve it. And then I saw his giant house (third sign). His other car (BMW convertible; fourth sign) and then he started buying me crap… and yup. I figured it out ! No Nancy Drew modern-day sleuth action required. It was pretty fucking obvious.

Okay so cool, he’s rich. Still never really gave a fuck. That still isn’t going to make me LIKE someone.

But that was before, when I was an Idiot. Because dating someone rich IS AWESOME. You get SO MUCH stuff…! You can fly anywhere! and DO anything ! and go on dope ass shopping sprees! and in my case.. you don’t even have to do it with them to get it ! Daps, bitches, daps all around.

Okay, this post isn’t about richness its about oldness. But honestly DON’T date an old guy if he’s not rich.. just don’t. Don’t do it.. walk away… just shut the fuck up and walk away. Just shhhhh…. sh!  SHHH! and If rich isn’t your thing, cool. Just don’t make OLD and NOT rich your thing. And if you have, or are currently, or want to in the future, then please email me your address.. I will fly or drive or boat or teleport to your home and uppercut you in the uterus. Free of charge.

Okay so old guys.

THE BENEFITS

The rich thing is pretty beneficial. Your old boyfriend may start sentences with “So, I just got off the phone with my jeweller” or “I think we should go to Tiffany’s tomorrow” or “Oh you can’t decide? I think you look so beautiful we have to get both” or, my personal favourite “How much do you need?”. Thankfully they can also afford new panties. Because you will need them, after the immediate creaming that happens subsequent to the above mentioned sentences.

Other benefits? They are gentlemanly! They remember how to treat a lady. My man opens doors for me, waits for me, is PATIENT ! He listens to what I have to say. He carries my bags. All of them. He shows respect for me. Actually, he treats me like the sun shines out of my ass.

They don’t play mind games. They don’t have to “act cool” in front of their buddies and pretend they don’t like you. Old dudes don’t have to put on the bravado and prove their manhood. He is already a man. And he knows that. And you probably find that attractive. Also, old guys are more likely to commit. That could be a pro OR a con depending on what you’re looking for. So make sure you know. Because an old guy is likely to settle down quicker and look for a serious relationship, not a piece on the side. So make sure you know what you want and be clear. Because he will be.

Also, you never have to worry about your old ass fogy going out doing lord knows what until 5am. Nope. He gets up at 5am ! While you’re at the club, your man is sleeping in his big ass bed. And when you come home at 4am he kisses you and tells you he loves you. Then he brings your lazy hung-over-ass breakfast in bed because you “just look so beautiful  sleeping there”. And the tylenol and water is already laid out for you. And then later he takes you shopping.

AND he’s probably not gunna look through your phone. Because he can’t figure out how to use it. That or he needs his glasses to read the tiny ass writing. And his glasses are all the way over there… and who’s kidding who? Like you don’t take your phone with you everywhere anyway. But just in case, with an old dude you’re likely safe. So no need to delete those unsolicited dick pics you get sent at 3am. Just keep ’em. Enjoy ’em on your days off. Share ’em with family and friends. Tell your exes and back up plan dudes to keep ’em coming.

Just wanna stay in and watch movies? No problem, bc your old ass bf who is still single after all these years has EVERY DVD THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE. And man cave? Are you kidding? Your mother fucker has a movie theatre in his house! Projection screen from ceiling to floor and surround sound the whole big manly deal. Your dude has movie night covered. Makes you forget about watching all those shotty bootlegged DVDs in your 24-yr old ex- BF’s parent’s house on his shit laptop while sitting side by side on his lumpy ass single bed with transformer sheets, now doesn’t it? Or maybe not, because that description was a bit too specific. Clearly the wound is still sore. But you get the idea!

THE CRAPPY PARTS

Well.. SEX. Sex could actually be either a pro or con.. a lot of girls say older guys are way better in bed, more experienced, attentive, and can last longer… but we aren’t talking about older guys here tho… we are talking about OLD guys. I mean, at 27.. I’ve had a lot of sex… I pretty much know what I’m doing  and any older guy who can teach me a thing or two is probably in his mid 30s…. not mid 50s… so in my personal opinion sex is in the con category.

I mean listen. Lets be real here for a minute. He wheezes during sex. He’s exerting himself. So wheezing happens. Lets just….. lets just take a minute and let that sink in. The wheezing. And it’s not a sexy wheeze. So for all you optimists out there who are trying to put a positive spin on it… like “Maybe she means wheezy like  L’il Wayne”. NO bitch. It’s like Chief Wiggam. Its a god damn Chief Wiggam wheeze.  Sometimes, on stormy nights, I can even hear it in the distant mother effin wind…. It haunts me.            *shudder*

And of course there’s the good ol’ ED. Erectile Dysfunction. It’s a reality you’re gunna have to face at one point or another if your into old dudes. Sometimes he may just not be able to get that fucker up. Or it’ll get up but it won’t maintain. And it sucks. And it’s really really really gross. I mean, I know it “happens” to guys and they don’t need to feel THAT bad about it. There’s always next time. But the mid-fuck flacid ? It’s gross. It really is. And that moment as a woman when you know it happened and your like omg.. he’s in there and he’s not hard anymore…. then u start doing the shifty eyes and wait and see who’s gonna say something first… and you dont wanna be rude but in ur head it goes from “oooo yea baby get up in there” (because we ALL say THAT!) to “ooooo ewwy ewwy ewwy get it outtt…… get it ouwwwwwwwwt… get it ouwtttttt!! GET IT OUUUUWT!!!!!!!”…..

* phew *

The other con? He’s gunna die… like… soon. Think seriously about your future and your family’s future.  If you want kids, like I do, you have to accept that they are gunna have a super fucking old ass dad. And, that you may end up taking care of your husband while also having to take care of your kids.  You may turn from wifey to nurse way faster than you imagined. And we should be mentally prepared for that. These things don’t render a long term relationship like this impossible, it just adds in more things to consider. Although, the pro side to the whole dying thing is that if he times it juust right… and you’re still like mid 50s early 60s, you still have time to straighten up then go get yourself a new man! A young one too. Like 30. Go on girl. Go on with ur bad self….

He probably snores, too.

Another thing that sucks is that its kinda hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Their life is settled. They have their ways of doing things and they probably aren’t going to change them. You will likely have to adjust to HIS way of life rather than the other way around. His saturdays are probably dedicated to his lawn, while yours are dedicated to sleeping until noon and waking up and wondering who wants dim sum. And guess what? It’s not him. He doesn’t really give a fuck about Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter and he probably isn’t going to snap chat with you. But if you’re like me and don’t care about that shit either, then it’s all gravy.

But just keep in mind he also does’t give a fuck why “OMFG. Becky is such a fuckin total bitch. AND she is like such a fuckin skank too.  and like did u SEE her hair? Can you say EXTENSIONS?! and she has the fucking NERVE to call ME fake? She’s as fake as her fucking tan…and her friends are fake too… like Andrea doesn’t even fucking like her… like OMG can u beleive that!?”

uhhhhhhhh…. yes? (was that the right answer?).

Also if you talk like that… again, email me… and I’d be happy to provide the above mentioned uterus punch for you as well. Free of charge.

So in conclusion, as the totally bossed-up fly ass girl you are (I know you are bc you read my blog) you can of course make your own decisions about who you date and why. Just make sure you are doing it for yourself and you feel GOOD about doing it. Don’t self compromise. Don’t self-sacrifice. And know what you’re getting into. The good, the bad, and the wheezy.