Scissor Me Timbers


What’s with dudes trying to convince me and OTHER heterosexual women to get down and dirty and mash our slosh puppies together? Does anyone really want this? Do THEY even want it?

I mean, I’ve watched some dyke porn before and I’ve definitely been impressed a few times (like.. OH… THAT’S how they dooo it…..)

but LESBIHONEST.. we’re all just waiting for the dick to show up. And that goes for guys too. And if a guy watches straight up Lesbian porn with NO dick…. ever. and he’s only into dickless porn… then there is some MAJOR inferiority issues there, honey. (I’ll write more about “what your bf’s porn choices say about him” in a future post). As in he can’t POSSIBLY bear to compare his member to another man’s to the point that he gets distracted and then deflated ? (Ego and Penis deflation). Either way: Gross.

We’ve all heard the “sooo like, do you guys like, make out with each other?” (insert douche bag voice while reading that… if u didnt already, go back and read it in your best douche bag voice). But recently I have had request for FULL on scissoring. I think that’s a BIT of an escalation. And I have to wonder.. does it work? Has there ever been a full on heterosexual woman who has no interest in clam-slamming who suddenly strikes an urge because an overly horney frat boy suggested it ?

Honestly, thats not a rhetorical question. I really wanna know !

And even if we did try it, we might not be good at it. It looks like it may take some serious coordination. And if we’re gunna get into safe sex precautions, forget about it…. who has dental dam lying around? what the fuck is dental dam anyway?! I just pictured a beaver dressed as a dentist. No, not THAT beaver. Jeezus.

Listen, I realize I am being facetious and extremely hetero-oriented, but I just wanted to point out the ridiculousness of this request from MY perspective. In theory, however, I actually do kinda get it. I’m into some guy-on-guy action, myself. If the guys are both hot and built and kinda beefy… I’m quite titillated by them getting their rocks off on one another. Even UFC is quite arousing. The sole reason I watch it is to see these two beefy men get each other in compromising situations.. sweaty.. oily.. manly…grunting.. I mean its all quite…whats the word?      Gay!

and I’m bout it bout it.

So maybe I should switch up the playing field. Next time I go out I’ll put on my best douche bag voice and be all like “sooo like, do you guys like, ever touch dicks, like, with each other, or what?