The Boyfriend Bomb

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Ahhhh the BF bomb. We’ve all been in this situation. You’re talking to a new guy. He’s cute. The conversation is friendly enough, but in the back of your mind you kinda feel guilty… should I tell him I have a boyfriend? When? How? and worst of all, What if he’s NOT interested ?! .. I mean dropping the BF bomb is kinda presumptuous, isn’t it? and then there’s the fear that if you tell him, he’ll stop talking to you. Which he probably will. And that sucks because he’s hot, and you want the attention. And you’d otherwise be interested.. so can’t you just continue to charade? Can’t you just keep the convo flowing and see what it MIGHT be like IF you didn’t have a boyfriend? … Can’t you just hold on long enough to see if he IS interested?

NO.

You can’t. I know. The WORST.

Think about it this way: How soon in the conversation would you want your boyfriend to say he has a girlfriend?

You either answered A: Right away! or B: What the fuck is that mother fucker doing talking to other girls anyway?!?!?!

Exactly.

It’s easier with a guy you just meet. You can just be like “Oh cool, yea my boyfriend works there” or “Oh yea I JUST saw that movie with my boyfriend” … you get the idea. Akwardness is cut. Guilt is gone and he can decide if he wants to continue the convo or not. Easy Peezie.

OR if you’re anything like ME you WON”T mention it right away. Wait until the conversation gets really intimate and awkward and he’s spent the whole night working you and its the end of the night and he OF COURSE asks for your number… then you have to be all like “Ouf…. (inhale wincing through teeth), sorry I have a boyfriend”. Douche move, ladies. Douche move.

But we do it! and we can’t help it. Maybe the party is boring and that conversation is the only thing lively enough to keep you there. Maybe it’s the free drinks. Maybe its your faux humbleness telling you that he’s not interested. He is. Idiot. And you know it. But at the same time.. he SHOULD ask, right? But can a guy ask if you have a boyfriend without himself sounding douchey? Like “Soooo where’s your man at?”, “I know a pretty girl like you didn’t come here alone” or “If I was your boyfriend I wouldn’t let you leave the house without me“. (Okay first of all that last one is abuse. WHY do guys say that?!). It’s KIND of a douchey question. and if he’s a nice, fairly normal maybe borderline shy guy then he’s probably not gunna ask. Instead, he’s gunna read your clues and body language which, again,  if you are anything like me, is signalling “DO ME. DO ME HARD oh great one!”. But we can’t help it if we are constantly emanating sheer sexual prowess, right?! The gift and the curse, man. Gift and the curse.

Then there’s THIS Guy:

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Lot’s of guys don’t really give a SHIT if you have a BF. So if you tell him, and he works you anyway. Then he’s the douche bag, and you’re off the hook. So enjoy the free drinks and attention while it lasts. And you can say peace at the end of the night and not feel bad. He knew what he was getting into. Or NOT getting into, I guess.

But what if it’s a guy you already know, and you’re kinda friends? Well YOU’RE friends with him. He likes you. That’s just the way it works. (And if you don’t believe me, you will when you’re older). How do you broach the topic then? This is a BIT more awkward.. but again u just gotta do the casual slip in… and do it before HE tries the casual slip in. With his penis.

See what I did there?

A lot of guys just don’t want to hear it, though. And they take their selective memory to whole new heights. So you MAY have to repeat it 678 times. Recently I told a new guy friend of mine I had a BF. We were at a bar and dancing and I thought it was a good time to tell him so he didn’t get the wrong impression.. since my version of dancing is rubbing my ample bottom in the crotchatal region of the other party. Anyway, we had a full on conversation about it, he asked questions about him and we were on our merry way. The next day we were texting and joking about being drunk and not remembering certain parts of the night. A bit later he says he is going to make me dinner and bring it over. Awwww soooo cute right? I mean that’s SUCH a nice thing to do. So nice that .. its almost a little… toooo nice…. wait a minute. Guys don’t just DO that. Is he trying to get all up in my love muffin? But he KNOWS I have a bf.. we had a full on conver- OH. Lemme guess.. he didn’t remember?

A course of pasta and veggies and some TV watching later, homie starts putting the moves on me. I find it strange because I KNOW he isn’t a douche and is very respectful. SO I gently remind him I have a bf. “DUDE. Wtf are u doing? I have a bf.” (Ok. so not THAT gentle.) Sure enough, the poor kid had no idea! Here he was slaving away in his kitchen thinking about how he was gunna get it get it, practicing his thrust moves in the mirror (I assume all guys do this), and bringing me food and being nice to me.. only to have the bomb dropped mid erection. Damn, son. Anyway, we figured it all out and he is still a good friend of mine to this day. But a little repetition on my part I guess wouldn’t have hurt. But then again, I DID get free dinner out of it…. … worth it.

Inspired by this recent event, I thought I should be proactive and ensure another new male friend of mine was also privy to the fact I was a taken woman. I told him that I just had an awkward situation where a friend of mine didn’t know I had a bf and I wanted to make sure he knew. Nope. He didn’t. And he also mentioned was was interested too. This was not a case of drunken memory loss but of selective memory. In a group of people I had mentioned several times “oh my bf this… my bf that..” He just chose not to hear it. Unsurprisingly, he cancelled our plans for that week.

SO I almost had two dates in one week. I am currently awaiting my girlfriend of the year award. Because clearly, I am awesome at this.

Anyway ladies, sometimes we do all the right things and still get into compromising situations. Besides, you really can’t blame a dude for trying. It’s not like just because you have a bf your vagina stops working. And lots of people cheat. So if a dude thinks he has even a sliver of a chance…. he is likely gunna try and get with you. And it probably works a lot. Remember your trip to Mexico? Fernando Antonio Juan Carlos Garcia the 3rd didn’t give a fuck where your man was. And neither did you.  So don’t get all pissy and self-righteous if it happens. Take it in stride. In a few years the heads may stop turning and you may begin wishing someone wanted to know where “yo man was at“. So enjoy it while it lasts.

And if nothing else, it makes for better stories.

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