Nude Photo Fidelity: Is This a Thing?

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Okay. So I obviously have no idea what I’m doing.

And for someone who’s parents are still together (high school sweethearts nonetheless) and still happily married, I have some fucked up ideas about faithfulness and fidelity.

I’ll likely write an entire post whining and self-loathing about how I suck hard a monogamy. Because I do. But this post is more specific. And more bewildering. I actually had no idea that we are suppose to be monogamous with our nude photos.

Shit.

Okay so, I get tons of dick pics. Tons of them. SOOOOooooooo many. It’s awesome. Some surprisingly turn me on. Some are rather forgettable. Some make me wish I had photo shop so I could super-impose tiny little hats on the tip and gleefully giggle “Tee hee.. its a penis hat! Silly penis you can’t wear hats!” (yea, I smoke weed sometimes).   And, of course, some make me cringe. In fact, I recently had someone send me a series of dick photos from different angles while he was…

… wait for it…

NOT hard.

I hoped you gasped. Because that shit? Is fucking outrageous!

A soft male penis (I dunno why I felt I had to specify “male” before “penis” but I’m leaving it in there nevertheless)… A soft male penis is about as fucking useful as honey boo boo at a spelling bee, as functional as teets on a bull,  as advantageous Michael Jackson in a natural beauty campaign, or as necessary as a screen door on a fucking submarine!

Okay okay okay I need to calm my tits for a minute here. I digress. Regardless of how beautiful or beastly the pictures are, it doesn’t occur to me that I may or may not be the ONLY one receiving them. And do I care? If a guy has a super dope well-angled well-lit picture of his C&B that he’s proud of, why not send it to a few people? Show that shit off. Wow the ladies left right and centre.

So how come when I send a sexy photo of myself to someone they expect to be the only recipient? SHOULD they expect that? I find dudes are always wanting to know if the picture I took is “just for them”. How do you determine if the sexy pic you took is FOR someone? Do you need to think about them while taking the picture? Can they tell by the smize in your eyes that you are fantasizing about them specifically? Don’t they know, I’m just trying to make sure I suck in my gut and angle it so you cant see my cellulite? And once I do achieve a photo that even closely resembles a mildly attractive human woman I’m like “YES! Keeper!”. It’s not personal. It’s not FOR someone. It’s just me doing my best impersonation of what I think a hot chick should probably look like.

The notion that I am only allowed to send that photo to only ONE of my suitors seems excessively cumbersome. I mean fuck, I have to go through that whole process again for the next dude? Or, even worse, am I not allowed to send naked pictures to another dude at all?

For fuck sakes, people, please don’t tell me we need to be monogamous in our nude picture exchange.

Here’s why it makes NO sense to me, whatsoever. I’m referring to relationships that consist of mostly text messages, emoticons and photo exchanges, relationships that are budding (at best) and haven’t even crossed the line into “dating” – Although, the nature of the conversations are far too intimate and flirty to be considered friendship – Yet, there is still some sort of expectation of photo-fidelity? We could both be off dating and fucking other people, and that’s cool, but send the same nude photo to another dude and we get all fucking weird about it?

Maybe it’s a personality flaw, but I get super annoyed and defensive when a guy tries to put limits on me or on the relationship way too soon. Shouldn’t we play on the safe side and ASSUME the other person has other dating partners, other suitors, other males or females vying for their attention? Wouldn’t it makes sense that the same qualities that attracted you to them have also attracted others?

I think if the “rules” of the relationship allow you to have a live, in-person genital exchange with another human, then it should also allow you to have a removed and distant photo exchange. No ?

Am I missing the point and skimming over the true intimacy of a sexy photo exchange? And worst of all, do I need to go through my phone and delete the ones I have so when I polish off this bottle of cab sov I don’t go nilly willy and send them to everyone on my contact list with a penis ?

GAAAAAAAH!

P.S. Besides being NOT hard … other things to avoid while send dick pics are having a huge giant hairy bush (we shouldn’t have to search that long to find your Waldo) … and you should generally probably try to stay away from casting shadow puppets. That’s right. Shadow puppets. While cute and entertaining, I feel as though they MAY draw attention away from the “star attraction”. For your enjoyment, I have attached a REAL photo that was sent to me. (I cropped out the “star attraction”, of course, because I’m still trying to keep it classy up in this. Also I kinda like this guy).

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It looks like a snapping turtle trying to eat the worm. NOT the look most guys are after. Also since it made me keel over in laughter to the point of tears… probably also NOT the reaction most guys want a girl to have after viewing their dick.

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