Just in case you thought from my last post I was going all soft on you. I am not. I am still a Bitchy McSugar bitch tits. Yep.
And I am not sure what has happened but as of late, I am utterly dumfounded by my generous portion of disdain for what has been, up until now, my favourite thing ever: Males!
I recently took a vow of celibacy. 20 days and going strong thankyouverymuch. I decided to take this vow for a number of reasons but mostly because I just needed to calm the fuck down in the vaginal area and wanted to prevent the oh-so-typical fucking spree that I historically partake in post-break up. (Ahhh, who’s kidding who? I was practically going on a fucking spree PRE-breakup). Anyway.
That being said, I am going back home for a few days next week (my home town is different than the town I go to school in) and in all honesty I am probably gunna break my celibacy pact for at least one night. There is a particular fellow there whom is… ummm to put it lightly… A MAWFAKAN CHAMP IN THE MAWFAKAN SACK. And honestly, I want him in and around ALL of my lady bits. Each of them. Every of the bits. I’m not even sure if I know what what I just wrote means… but writing it made me horny and now I can’t concentrate. So I will probably (Read: 100% going to) allow this particular transgression.
*Has conversation with self in British accent*
“why thank you self, how so very generous” “Oh indeed self. Indeedly, indubitably”.
Okay. What? What are we talking about? Oh yea. Repulsion.
First of all, there is a significant lack of age appropriate men in this town and as a result, I have learned a few things.
If a man has to tell you the age he’s turning instead of the age he actually is? #HesTooYoungForYouBro
If he has to tell you how “mature” he is and feels the need to prove his manhood? #HesTooYoungForYouBro
And if he can’t finish the lyrics to “In west Philadelphia born and raised…” ?#HesDEFINITELYTooYouForYouBro
Not to be a dick but I am a smart, attractive, hard working young woman with excellent earning potential (give it a few years, baby… Momma’s Gon’ be bringin’ home dat doe). So if you can’t pick me up in your vehicle and take me out for dinner then I actually don’t want you to exist near me. Honestly.
Do I want to go for a walk? Do I want to come over and watch a movie? Do I want to go for a tea?
Lemme break this down for you, homie. A tea costs like $1.60, and the rest of those options are FREE. So fuck no, fuck no, and no thanks.
Additionally, if you are a bad communicator and have NO game, I also don’t want you to exist near me.
“YO” is not a conversation starter. “YO” is a terrible fucking lead in. So if you text me “YO” I am going to assume you have an inverted penis and the charismatic flair of a tape worm.
Even when I have encountered age appropriate men, what they make up for in years, they seemingly lack in the cognitive area. For those of you who are not clear on what I mean by “lack in the cognitive area“, let me help you: Retarded. Retarded is what I mean.
Appropriately aged man stands awkwardly near me on the dance floor. Attempts to mumble something in my ear.
Me: I’m sorry, what?!
Him: *Pauses* *stares* Alls I know is …. you look good
Me: *Cringes* (Thinks: ALLS?! ALLS?! Judging by that sentence that could, quite literally, be ALLS you know, you illiterate leech. My vagina just sewed itself shut)
Him: soooo where are you ladies headed after… I live just west of here at (names area)
Me: yea me too except that’s actually east. Well, north east
Him: *laughs* Haha, yea women aren’t good at directions
Me: WTF? Did you just say that to me? The *well-known landmark* faces east and this *well known part of town* is south. Therefore, we live this way which is North East. So suck it
Him: OooooOOO. Yea well you guys can come by after for some nights (I dunno if he meant like night caps… but he said the word nights. I don’t fucking know)
Me: We are gunna go home
Him: which home?
Me: To our respective dwellings, Dude… I hate you
Him: *Stares* *Leaves*
Okay, so I’ll be nice here. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he had a concussion. He was pretty fit (which is why I entertained the conversation in the first place) so he probably just got tackled one too many times playing football.
Either way, it added a new rule on my list: Even if you are age appropriate, if you have a concussion or a severe cognitive deficit of any kind I don’t want you to exist near me. Because I might say things like “suck it” and “I hate you”.
Are these things really too much to ask??