That Time in My Life When I Did A Lot of “Butt Stuff”

buttsex-1xfb

You’ve dabbled. Haven’t you?

Dabbled in and around the butt? Eh? *elbow* EH?!  *Wink* EH?! Eh, there?!

I went through this “butt thing” a few years ago. Don’t ask me why. I just always did butt stuff. I felt like sex wasn’t sex unless my butt was somehow involved. It all started with butt licking. Of course. I mean, come on now, we all know butt licking is the gateway drug to butt jamming. It just is. If he tries to lick it, he’s gonna try and stick it, ladies. Plain and simple. Besides, getting your butt licked rules, so it seems like a natural transgression.

Thankfully, my boyfriend at the time had kind of a small dick. So it was easier, I suppose. And to this day I have a “you must be this small to ride this ride into the depths of my chocolate pocket” requirement. So we dabbled. We had a good time. But you know what they say about butt sex… it’s all fun and games until… well, until THIS happened…

We were having a lovely dirty session of sex and butt-lovin’ when I got this awesome idea:

I want you to cum in my ass, baby

SO awesome right? I’m SO good at ideas.

A: It’s in my butt so I won’t get pregnant… okay PLUS.

B: He still gets to cum in me (which I never allow vaginally) also a PLUS.

and C: I mean, he IS already in there… it seemed like wins all around.

So he did.

*Cut to walking down the street an hour or so later merrily on our way to brunch*

Anyone with half a brain knows you can’t trust a fart after anal sex. Especially not when you have just had hot liquid squirted up there.

So while he was being his usual hilarious self, I was killing myself trying not to laugh. Try clenching your ass as hard and tight as you can and laugh while keeping it clenched.  I fucking dare you.  Any pressure in that region was bound for disaster.  I was certain of it. I couldn’t let go of the clench at any cost. It was life or death a this point. Clench or bust. Literally.

As soon as we arrived, I quickly dipped into the washroom. I honestly thought I was going to have like some explosive diarrhea … or some liquid goo come out… I was prepared for anything.  Yet when it finally came time to unclench my sphincter, I was surprised by the result. No pooing. No gooing. Nothing of the sort. Instead, I proceeded to release by far the longest, longest, LONGEST. LOOOOOOOOOOONGEST fart. OF. MY. LIFE. It wasn’t gross, or smelly, or loud, or wet. It just sounded like air slowly leaking out of one of those blow up mattresses ….

Tssssssssss……..tsssssssss…….tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…. Tsssssssssss…..    *Begins to look around shifty eyed* Tssssss….. Tssssssssssssssssssss…….. Tssssssssssssssss…   .tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss *Mouths “Oh MY GOD“* Tssssssss…… Tsssssssss…. Tssssssss Tssssss*mouth remains open in shock* Tssssssss…….Tsssssssss…Tssssssssssssssssssss……   Tssssssssssssssssssssssssssss….*Look of extreme concern crosses my face* Tsssssssss….. tsssssssssssssssssss….. *actually, now I’m kinda getting impressed….* Tssssssss  tsssssssss   tsssssss…………tsssssssssss…… *Okay no, this is just crazy* Tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss….

Time passed by slowly. It could have been minutes, hours, days, weeks I was in there. A lifetime even. I saw a bright light. I moved towards it. I reached enlightenment. I went to heaven. Saw god. Learned the meaning of life. Got sent back to earth as a new born.. grew up again.. I drank, I  smoke. I lost my virginity. I graduated school… and then, there I was, I found myself back to where I was again… In the bathroom…Releasing gallons of air deep from within the trenches of my bowel.

Tssss.sss.sss.sss    ssss… tsss… tsss.  ts.    ts … until it slowly faded and came to an end.

I tentatively came out of the stall. I can only imagine -due to the life time I spent in there- That I looked something similar to how Tom Hanks did when he got rescued in castaway. Sans the beard. Although, if I was physically able to grow a beard, I would have in that time. I cannot stress to you enough how LONG that fart was. It was super fucking lengthy.

I washed my hands (seemed like the thing to do). Smoothed my hair (wouldn’t want frizz now would we?) and went out enjoyed some french motherfucking toast.

But it does NOT end there, my friends OH NO… because meanwhile, while I was releasing enough CO2 to burn a few layers off the good ol’ ozone, the semen had it’s own plan. WTF happens to it while it goes in there, you ask? Does it hang there, suspended in limbo? Is it reabsorbed into the semi-permable membrane of our anal tissue? I’ll tell you what happens. Oh, I’ll tell you. Through the use of science, exaggeration, and a dash of imagination, I will tell you EXACTLY what happens.

Stronger together than apart, the semen conspire within you. They conglomerate. They create an army of sorts. They talk, they unite, and they multiply. Then, they morph themselves together like glue and create a dam. A dam in your anus. A gelatinous, dam. In your anus.

And this particular gelatinous-anus dam proceeded to hold my shit for 5 days.

I’m sorry, shall I repeat that?

FIVE DAYS

I didn’t shit for FIVE days, people. FIVE of them.

The semen literally morphed, and spiderwebbed themselves into an intricate web-cocoon hybrid. No, a tri-brid: 1/3 web, 1/3 cocoon, 1/3 elmer’s glue… and like a smidgeon of like a flour-water mixture… or wallpaper paste. Yea, yea wallpaper paste.

Dude, what the fuck is your cum made of?! I haven’t shit in 5 days! Good-lord, Lay off the fucking gluten

And that was it, folks. That was that time in my life when I did a lot of butt stuff.

I haven’t completely written off ventures into anal territory by any means. But never ever again have I invited that hot sticky glutinous web-forming love juice into my butt.

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