Attention Deficit Disorder
Yep. I have officially diagnosed myself with ADD. No I’m not disruptive, unable to sit still, having trouble concentrating, or unusually hyper. It’s not that I don’t HAVE enough attention… I am not GETTING enough attention. From dudes.
I am having a veritable egotistical narcissistic crisis.
I’ve never been in this situation before: Where I have dudes I am interested in and I find myself pining for their attention or time.
Here’s what usually happens. I meet a dude. He immediately likes me. He stalks my ass and tries to hang out all the time while I act cool as fuck and decide to see him whenever the fuck I want. Then, I weed through my current pool of suitors and pick the one I feel like is better than the rest. And that one becomes my boyfriend. Then I give him all of me and love him fully and completely. Then when I’m through, I walk away. I have honestly never been dumped.
After high school I’ve spent the entire time not wanting a boyfriend, yet I’ve always seemed to have one most of the time. And when I AM single, I typically use guys as entertainment. Recently, however, I’ve realized I’m kinda through with dicking around (for the most part) and am more interested in a relationship.
And guess what? I suppose karma has reared its beautiful little head, and now I seem to be the one interested while the ones I am interested in me seem to like me enough to place me snugly in their back pocket… but not enough to place me as a priority.
I have to smile as I knew this day would come at one time or another. And I always find it entertaining to sit back and observe my ego writhing and squirming in a fit because I am not the centre of every male’s universe the moment they meet me.
I am getting concerned though, am I THAT girl?! … ever so conscious of my 28 year old ovaries… hoping I can find someone to impregnate me. *sniff* Do you smell that? That sulphurous odour? Is it my eggs? Are they hard boiled or just rotting? Is there a douche for that?
I can’t blame the guys and say they are “assholes and dicks” and “don’t know what the fuck they are missing“, and “fuck them anyway. It’s THEIR loss“. They like me well enough, I suppose. Just not THAT much. And my ego takes issue with that. I (or it, rather) expects to be fawned over.
Being interested in a relationship is a TOTAL game changer for me. I wish I could go back to being cool and not caring. But I guess being on the other side of the game is just another life lesson I have to learn. Besides, my previous relationships obviously didn’t work out. Hence why I am currently single. So perhaps navigating through this is what I need for a more successful – and equal- relationship.
Until then I guess it’s just me, my ego, and our ADD.