On Being Choked
It wasn’t until I was about 21 or 22 that I actually realized people did this in a sexual context. I heard my friend mention to me about how her (abusive) boyfriend used to do that to her during sex… and I was, frankly, appalled! Mind you, their entire relationship was in the context of abuse and I had never really heard anyone else talk about doing this in bed. I felt bad for her. Was it rape? Was it sexual abuse? Who would WANT someone to do that to them in bed? It was NOT something I was into at all.
That is… until it became something I was totally fucking into.
For me is started one night in Montreal on a road trip with my then boyfriend. Him and I went to go visit a friend of mine who ended up getting hammered and starting a fight with about 6 guys twice his size. Him, my boyfriend and I ended up all getting into the scuffle and I was slapped across the face by one of the dudes causing my hoop earring to go flying off down the street while I continued screaming at him to go fuck himself. I was scared but also exhilarated and despite being in relative danger, I didn’t back down. And I guess deep down in a fucked up way, it totally turned me on.
The next morning I was having sex with my boyfriend and for some reason I asked him to slap me. He didn’t want to. But I coaxed him and told him to be gentle. So he reluctantly did. “Harder” I demanded. He did. Harder. He did. I came. I kissed him. And then I cried.
We both started laughing because I was like “I didn’t like that” and he was like “oh my god me neither but you made me! I love you so much, why did you make me do that?!“. Here I was trying to be all sexy and kinky only to end up being the one crying afterwards. What a pussy. We easily laughed it off.
Later on in the relationship as I grew more comfortable with him, however, I started to take things back there again. It started with him putting his hand on my neck as we kissed. I would take his forearm and hold it there and make sure he didn’t move it. I would force it down harder. Just him doing that while kissing me made me unbelievably wet. Before long it was something he did all the time. And I absolutely loved it.
I tend to be relatively dominant in all other areas of relationships so for him to take an uber-masculine and dominating role in the bedroom was exactly what I needed to remind me he was the “man”. To remind me he was strong, powerful, and, if he wanted to, he could hurt me. I needed to know he loved me. I needed him to make slow, passionate love to me. And then I needed him to choke me and make me do whatever the fuck he said. And then after tell me he wanted me to be his wife.
It was the juxtaposition between love and dominance, pain and pleasure that made it so fucking hot.
Now since I’m more comfortable with it I don’t need to be at the “I love you” stage to do have rough sex with new guys. I just need to make sure they respect me and understand what it means to be rough and dominant in a sexual context only and not try and over step the boundaries in the non-sexual aspect of our relationship. Thus far I haven’t had a problem.
I suppose this is on my mind because I have been utterly sex-starved as of late. I have quite the intense appetite and I am getting rather impatient. I need a man to charge in here (not just ANY man.. but I have a few in mind). Push me against a wall. Rip my clothes off. Literally. Rip them. Push me down. Hold me down. Hold my neck. Cover my mouth. Fuck me and talk dirty to me. Make me ask permission to cum. Hold me so I can’t move. Tell me I’m fucking beautiful. Tell me he’s gonna get me pregnant (I dunno why but I love when dudes say that shit during sex). Flip me over. Tease me. Make me beg for it. Look me in the eye as he controls how much and for how long I breathe.
Fuck. Okay I’ll stop now… sometimes I forget who reads this. Might have to text a girlfriend or two and advise that they skip this entry. Some things you just don’t need to know about your besticle (Bestie + testicle = besticle… get with it)…
Should I just find dude to have sex with in the meantime while I also look for a more meaningful relationship? Or will a purely sexual relationship impede my efforts and distract me from what I truly want?
HINT: I hope it’s the former.