The Worst Dirty Talking Ever


This post/story has been a long time coming. This is one of my favourite relationships to talk about because it was so ridiculous. I have no idea what I was thinking.

Let me give you some context and describe my 19 year old self. I was one bad-ass thuggish little chick. Or so I thought. I always had headphones on blasting 90s hip-hop. I always wore airforce ones and hoop earrings and I always kept some zigzags and visine in my purse. If you dig. Also, I always had a few dudes on the go: Rappers, DJs, Beat makers or any other dude who wore a fitted cap and looked like he had no chance of making it in the corporate world.

I was 19 and he was 26. We met at a bar while I was going to University. He was a black dude from a well known rough neighbourhood which sort of certified his “street-ness”. I thought it was a good idea to date him considering that was essentially the only criteria I had for a dude. “Street-ness” that is. Oh, and he was a rapper. Which helped.

His rap name was General. “Oh you mean.. as in NOT specific?” was my first question. But nope. General… as in a General in the army. Okay cool. “Yo meet me outside Ima be wearing fatigues”  —- “what is that like a french word for pyjamas or something?” Nope. Army gear. Who knew, right? He used to call me “mami” (mommy) and I’d respond with “okay there, dad“. My sarcasm and wit went over his head entirely. Which I revelled in. He used to call my house (OMG REMEMBER house phones?!) and say “Yo. Tell her general called” and my roomies would be like “Ok dude, we know your real name. Pipe the fuck down, now“.

As cool and G’d up as I thought I was, however, he still kinda intimidated me. I had only slept with two other guys before him and I wasn’t exactly comfortable in my own skin. I was still worried about saying the right thing, looking pretty, and wanting him to like me. Even though I couldn’t help acting like a sarcastic dick most of the time (it’s a reflex, I swear).

The first time we fucked I was so awkward (and high) I kept my socks on. I couldn’t remember if you’re suppose to take them off or not. And as he had my legs up in the air one of them went flying off. Later, when I was trying to be cool with my girlfriends I was all like “ya, so he totally fucked my socks off” and they retorted with “waityou kept your socks on?” 

*hangs head*

So nevertheless, my lack of experience mixed with the paranoia of the fresh blunt we typically smoked made for some awkward sexual encounters.

But it was much worse than that. Because deep down, he also must have had some hang ups about race too. In fact, I might have been the only white girl he had ever dated. He seemed to be particularly enthralled by the contrast of our skin colours. So enthralled, in fact, it was the main topic of discussion during sex. And subsequently, the worst case of dirty talking I have ever encountered.

I think he really tried to *ahem* bring the mother fuckin ruckus so to speak because homeboy got all up and in there before I even had time to register what was happening. And before I knew it I was being bombarded with questions and factual statements.

Ooo you like that huh? oh you like this black dick?

uhh yea

who’s fucking you?

you are (?) (I asked it, as if I wasn’t exactly sure)

who’s fucking you? whats my name?

*says his real name*

What’s my name? what is it? What’s my name?

*OMG he wants me to say his rapper name*

*says real name instead*

Tell me you love my black dick

I love your black dick 

This black dick is fucking you

*Gee whizz, he sure does mention the colour of his dick a lot*

what’s my name? 

*knows he wants me to say his rapper name but says real name instead*

This black dick is fucking you so good

*welll… that’s debatable*

Oh yea girl. you’re cumming.. oh you’re cumin     *I wasn’t*      you’re cumming.. yea you’re cumin ooo yea…. yea girl

*moans louder anyway*

THEN he starts going for it

Oh yea. oh yea This black dick is fucking you. Oh yea your taking this black dick. Look at those white titties

*I look*

Oh yea I’m fucking you. oh yea ur being fucked. My dick is black…. OOOoooOOOH oooOOOOO. OOOOOOOooooo.. oohhh this black dick in you—- OOOOOOOOHHHHH

aaaaaaaaaaand he busts.


I.    Feel.    So.    Weird.    Right.  Now.

He just basically gave me a series of statements. Most were factual “my dick is black” some not so much “you’re cumming“. Then he just gave a play by play of what was happening from his perspective. It was honestly like he was a sports announcer.

He was THAT kid playing road hockey announcing his moves as he played. “aaand Johnson rounds the corner, glides past Carter, deeks his way into the centre… goes in for the kill and he SHOOTS … HE SCORESSS“. And he was actually obsessed with sports so it kinda made sense.

Only he did it during sex. And it was bad. So So So So bad. And the amount of times he mentioned his dick was black was way way way way too many.

Accurately describing your genitalia is NOT hot. That’s like me saying this during sex:

Ooooo baby I have a vagina. Oh my vagina is sooo pink. Like a little pink hairless piglet. Fuck this pinkish-hued love pocket. My vagina also has a clitoris. It’s surrounded by intricate folds. Oh you are touching the clit now. My labia majora is wrapping around your penis. You’re about to cum… this anatomically correct description is making u cum…


No it isn’t.

Just stop.

It’s the worst.

It’s the worst dirty talking ever.