The Things That Have Gotten Lost In My Vagina


Bit of a misnomer. It’s really only ONE thing that’s gotten lost in there. And I mean LOST as in I didn’t even know it was in there.

I don’t really blog about dudes I’m currently dating as it feels kinda “icky” but I do have a dude here whom I engage in a decent amount of sex with. (Actually the truth is I super fucking like him and it’s SOOO fucking annoying and I want to punch him in the face. Feelings are the worst! And now I wanna punch ME in the face. And then YOU. Punches for everyone!) *ahem*  So, this past Sunday we had drunken sex which was foggy for the both of us. The kinda sex where u are so drunk you eventually just give up. He couldn’t finish and my pussy felt like sandpaper. (contain your chubbies, gentlemen). Anyway, all I remember was at one point we weren’t using a condom.

The next morning I notice him searching for something.

Whatcha looking for there, bud?

The condom.

What? What condom? I thought we didn’t use one. 

Yea we did but it came off.

Ooooo. Oh I didn’t know that. 

Yea. Where the fuck is it?

I have no idea. hahaha.

It’s in you. 

Fuck you, no it isn’t

Yea it is, it has to be where else would it go?!

The conversation went on like this for a bit and eventually ended with “I’d FEEL it if I had a condom in me, you cock. I have fucking nerve endings in there… its not like I have some sort of vaginal abyss

And then we fucked again. I know, I know, I am quite the charmer.

After he left, however, I kept getting this creeping feeling that he was right. Is it in there? How could I NOT know? I start doing kegels.. maybe if I squeeze my walls I’d be able to feel it. I did squats. I tried to reach up there but I have nails and it hurt and I couldn’t get a good angle. I googled extraction tips. I rationalized all of the reasons it wouldn’t be in there. I thought I felt better… but then later when I misplaced the remote while watching TV I had a serious passing thought as I was flipping over the pillows looking for the blasted thing… “Oh for christ’s sake, is the remote in my vagina too?!”

I had clearly not gotten over it.

THAT’S IT. I went into the bathroom. Took off my jeans. Squatted down and stuck my middle finger in there as far as it could go. Hmmm… nope nothing…. nothing.. noth- WAIT. WAIT… whaaaa… what is that?! is that IT?! I yell “I FEEL IT ! I FEEL IT!” (my roommate was privy to my conundrum and I wanted to alert her of my victory). Now come the acrobatics. That little slippery bastard was lodged up there and for the next 15 minutes I essentially finger banged myself in every possible which way until I finally snagged the rim with my fingernail and gave birth to this now day old saggy latex balloon.

Holy shit. I am SO glad I got that out ! I am still bewildered as to how I could have NOT known it was up there. And I kept thinking imagine I start fucking a new guy and it came out on his dick or something? How vile would that be?!

This experience only solidifies my dislike for those rubbery little dick raincoats. I know I know STDs and all that and bla bla bla. Whatever. They suck . And they do weird shit… like seek shelter and nest just beneath my cervix. A tad clingy if you ask me.

Let’s just hope that’s the only thing I ever get lost up there.