Self-Loathing… Like a BOSS
Hey you guys wanna read a post of me whinging about how I suck so hard and am the worst?!
OKAY ! 😀
First of all, here I am liking someone like a total moron. This has been my baseline condition for about a month or so. I should have sought treatment far earlier.
Anyway, I’m at work doing coat check (I work part-time at a bar/club in the downtown area). Sometimes at work I get to dress up and look hot and be that hot cocktail waitress that flirts with 100 people per minute. Sometimes I work a different area where I get to look less hot but still hott-ish and be that nice and chatty server you probably think you could be friends with. And sometimes I work coat check where I am by the door and freeze my ass off, and wear 700 layers, and hang people’s coats. Like a total fucking wanker. That was last night. That was also when the dude I’m seeing decided to come in — no, no stumble in — with, you bet, another chick.
You could literally hear the jets as my self esteem took off and sky-rocketed into the heavens.
*That was sarcasm, you idiots*
I was sitting there facing the door while my co-worker was taking cover. He stumbles in clearly drunk and clearly huddling with a girl -it was cold AS FUCK last night. We look at each other. His a far more awkward expression than mine. (I can only imagine). And we both exchange dead pan “Hey”s. Then someone comes to check their coat and I get distracted and don’t see him for the rest of the evening.
My first reaction was wanting to vomit. Which is a great psycho-somatic reaction. One of my favourites next to nervous rash. Very subtle.
I don’t care he was with a chick. We are not monogamous/exclusive. He is a grown man, he can do as he pleases and so can I. And I do. And it’s great. It’s a good arrangement. BUT there are some guidelines. And I feel like “Don’t bring the other chick you’re banging into my workplace” is one of them. He knew I was working that night. And I couldn’t help but wonder if it was intentional…. He honestly does NOT strike me as the type to be immature and play games and try and make me jealous/mad. I would be very surprised if that was his intention. But it’s kinda all I can think of. If his goal was to make me feel shitty it worked. I feel shitty. Not jealous or mad or vindictive or anything really intense like that. I just kinda feel like “What the fuck dude? What the fuck do I do now?”. Is he really that much of a dick? Maybe part of his frontal lobe is missing?
I suppose I could go on and deride him and his character and manhood and any other jabs I can get in… but I won’t. Firstly, because I don’t really think he deserves it, everyone fucks up. Also, via text this morning when I called him out on it he said he was with friends… but he “sees how it would have looked“. (I dunno, man. Not totally buying it). But secondly… because last time I decided to slander someone behind the “dudesandshit” guise… he FOUND IT. He found my slander.
Yea, buddy. Last night while I’m messaging my friend about this whole dude+other chick fiasco I get a text from my stage 5 clinger… calling me out on all the mean tweets I have tweeted about him. And there were SO MANY. And they were fucking mean. I even made fun of his stutter in one tweet. His stutter. His fucking stutter. Really, bitch? You have to make fun of someone’s stutter? And he read it. I tweeted captions of his texts and called him a stage 5 clinger… I had responses tweeted back to me about how I should get a fucking restraining order. It was bad and embarrassing (I have since deleted all of them).
I’m really not the type to talk shit behind someone’s back. Perhaps I was feeling too confident with anonymity of the blog/twitter and not realizing that a friend I had just added on twitter is also connected (social-medially speaking) with the stage 5 dude. My bad.
Ugh. I’m so homesick. I can’t wait to go home for the holidays. See my friends and family… and all the dudes I have there who actually LIKE me. Which will be a nice change of pace. Imagine that?! A dude liking me and showing it ! And maybe I’ll come back and be less of a dick myself. Lesson learned. When you talk shit about other people YOU are the one that ends up looking like the cock. Not the person you’re talking about.
P.S. I promise more fun (and non-depressing) posts to come.. like the time I had to sneak outta this dudes house right in front of his dad while he was reading the newspaper… or the time I had to take this crazy black-market russian morning after pill in Dubai…Or the time I had hard core multi-hole penetrating drunken sex in barcelona in a hostel dorm room on the TOP part of a bunk bed….
See… I haven’t ALWAYS sucked. It’s a recent, and hopefully ephemeral endeavour.