Props to the Morally Depraved


Imagine a world of endless possibilities. A world where every possible decision you can make is available to you. Where no behaviour is off limits. No matter what the challenge, situation, or obstacle, your choices are limitless. Where the angel and the devil on your shoulders are nowhere to be found when you need them because they are always out back getting high and having gay sex with each other.

This is the world of the morally depraved. In a world with no real moral anchor, one is not bound by the unwritten “rights and wrongs” that so many others seem to have such quick and easy access to. (Is there an app for that I’m unaware of?).

It’s liberating, certainly. I don’t feel obligated to follow any particular religious code whatsoever. I am not bound by catholic guilt nor am I particularly concerned with keeping virginal and pure. I’m not threatened by going the hell… because that would only be a threat if I believed in it. Which I don’t. Besides I’ve squatted in public bathrooms in backcountry train stations in India. While wearing harem pants. And the harem pants touched the floor. So I figure I’ve pretty much already been there anyway.

I have never been one to blindly follow authority. I tend to be critical of rules and restrictions and break them as I see fit. Politely of course. I respect authority and I prefer harmony and social order but I also don’t really fear consequences. I’ve even been arrested a few times before I was 18 (Aggravated assault, and B&E. Thug life. I know). But all I really had to do was write a few essays, do some community service and call ‘er a day. Plus it gave me sooooo much street cred in high school. I mean, come on.  How bad ass is that?!

I’m all for hedonism over austerity. Like listen.. there is no award for being a prude. You aren’t going to get a fucking plaque with your name on it listing all of the things you HAVEN’T done.

This award is in honour of Mary. Who never had sex with three people in the span of 24 hours. Not once did she take a poorly-angled cum shot in her mouth only to find it coming (literally) out of her nose (called a white dragon apparently, who knew?). Not once did Mary fall in love with someone she KNEW was the completely wrong person for her. Not once did she wake up beside her own puke and think “Is that mine?”. Not once did she, as a 27 year old woman, leave her panties in the  residence dorm room of a 22 year old bro. Not once did she meet a dude with a tongue ring and then subsequently not listen to anything he had to say because fuck it he has a tongue ring and when the fuck is he gonna yam me? Not once. Good for you, Mary. Good for you. Here’s your fucking plaque.

I honestly think the point of being a human on this earth is to experience the wonderful infinite pleasures we have in front of us. As feeling, sensing, thinking beings we have boundless capabilities to experience pleasure and pain and everything in between. Love, sex, heartache, death and loss, food, dance, fucking sunrises for god’s sake. And it’s absolutely beautiful! That is the beautiful, wonderful part of being a human and we should be grateful for it.

But I suppose there is a limit. What if you want to do whatever the fuck you want at all times (which I DO) but you don’t want to be a total fucking dick? What if you DO care about being a “good” person… you just aren’t entirely sure of what that entails?

What if you find yourself bent over in a married man’s kitchen while his pregnant wife is upstairs? Does it make a difference that you don’t want to break them up? That you LIKE her and him and hope they are happy together? That you know she doesn’t fuck him? That he makes you feel like the most beautiful, sexy, smart, interesting and complicated woman in the entire world and it is so fucking incredibly intoxicating  that even though you know it won’t last, feeling like that, for however brief, is worth it? (And it was.)

I know I am not alone in my attempt to navigate through life all the while engaging in some more than questionable behaviour. We are all GOOD people at heart. We all want love, and security, warmth, and safety. We all want the same things. Some people choose a life of restrictions or rules to get there. Which is fine. Some, however, choose to push the limits. Which is also fine. I just happen to belong to the latter group. As do many others, I know. So this is my props to the morally depraved, and our united struggle to figure it all out.