Mystery Farts and Other New Relationship Magic


I’m seeing someone. Which I guess is news. But who cares about all the boring ‘when’ and ‘where’ details when the IMPORTANT thing is…..  he mystery farted. And I need to know how to pull this off.


We were lying in bed post-sex. Relaxed.  He even said the words “I am so relaxed right now“.  I guess he was, um, VERY relaxed because I felt a rumble in the mattress. I of course prepared to be hit with an awkward stench that I had to pretend I didn’t notice. I started thinking of what conversation to start so we could both think about talking and not lying in silence pretending not to smell the entire contents of his large intestine.


But to my surprise, I wasn’t!


There was no smell, and no sound… JUST the rumble. Now, something like that COULD be explained away considering there was no other incriminating evidence to suggest it could have been a fart. In fact, the only quantifiable thing about the fart was it’s vibratory frequency. But COME ON! You KNOW a fart when you feel one! There is really only one thing in nature that follows that pattern. No one was moving furniture. The bed didn’t move. There wasn’t an earthquake. Nope. It was his stink mitten. The butt part of him.


Now, I was slightly miffed with the fact that he thought he could pull off totally ripping one while beside me in BED. Of all places. We were sharing a comforter, after all. But beyond that I was really just impressed that he indeed DID pull it off.


And I NEED to know how!


I feel like during all of my interactions with males, 25% of them I am trying to NOT fart. ESPECIALLY in bed. I would DIE. Death. That’s why I HATE when a guy asks me “what are you thinking right now“. Because at any given time, I’m probably just thinking about NOT farting.


And here he is, all nonchalantly sonic booming his butt breeze into the mattress. With NO sign of struggle.


I’m jealous. He isn’t rude, or gross, or a pig… He’s a GOD DAMN genius, that’s what he is.


A friend of mine suggested that he must have somehow created a seal between his anus and the mattress. “His mattress must REEK!” she gleefully exclaimed. She even went so far as suggesting I smell his mattress next time to confirm just how often he pulls this off.

The worst part is I probably will.

I think he’s a keeper.